For years, I felt like my husband was trying to control everything, even when he wasn’t. His tone could be intense at times, and I would automatically go on the defensive, bracing myself, ready to prove a point. Over time, I realized that it wasn’t just about him, it was about a pattern I had learned. My body and mind had been trained to protect myself from being overrun, and that instinct kept firing, even in moments that were safe.

It was exhausting, and it made our marriage feel like a constant push-and-pull. I started to wonder: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just relax?

The truth is, nothing was “wrong.” I was operating on a survival pattern that had once served me, protecting my voice, my independence, and my sense of self. But in the present, that same pattern was keeping me from connecting with the person I love most.

And then came what I can only describe as my dark night of the soul, a period of profound internal struggle where I had to confront my own fears, patterns, and defenses. I felt like I was walking through a shadowy place in my own mind, questioning my worth, my instincts, and even my ability to love fully. It was uncomfortable, sometimes painful, but it was also the crucible that allowed me to see what truly mattered.

Rebuilding Trust Through Small Acts

The first breakthrough came when I realized that trust isn’t rebuilt through words alone, it’s rebuilt through small, consistent actions. For us, it started with micro-moments of safety: pausing when a conversation got intense, acknowledging each other’s point of view, and slowing down decision-making so both of us could feel heard.

I learned to say things like:

“I hear what you’re saying. Let me tell you what I’m hearing.”

Simple words, but they shifted the dynamic from opposition to partnership. Over time, these small gestures made me feel safe again, and I think he felt the difference too.

Communicating Needs Without Defensiveness

One of the hardest parts was learning to express what I needed without lashing out. I started using a simple formula:

“When X happens, I feel Y, and what I need to do is Z.”

For example, I might tell myself:

“When he does something without me understanding why, I feel pressured, and I need to realize that what he did isn’t meant to make me feel less than but protected.”

This gave me a way to speak my truth without attacking him, and it helped him understand my perspective without triggering defensiveness in return.

Responding to Intensity

Even now, there are moments when my husband’s tone feels sharp or directive. I’ve learned to respond not with resistance, but with calm clarity:

“I want to understand you. The tone feels intense. Can we slow down?”

Or simply:

“I hear you. I need a moment before I respond.”

These statements protect my boundaries without creating a battle. They remind me that I don’t have to react automatically , I can respond intentionally.

Changing the Story We Tell Ourselves

One of the most powerful changes was rewriting the story I was telling myself about our relationship. Instead of thinking:

“He’s controlling”

“I’m always defensive”

I started to tell myself:

“We’re learning a new pattern together.”

This small mental shift transformed my fear into curiosity, and my defensiveness into engagement, which allowed us to begin interacting with one another from a place of understanding, not defensiveness.

The Dark Night as a Teacher

The dark night of the soul wasn’t just about struggle, it was a teacher. It forced me to confront my deepest insecurities, my reactive patterns, and my need to feel safe. Through that discomfort, I discovered clarity: my defensiveness wasn’t a flaw, it was a signal pointing to what I truly valued, which is voice, respect, and connection. Facing this shadow allowed me to move forward with intention rather than reaction.

Now, regularly, we do a short check-in:

One thing I appreciate about you

One thing I need more of

Anything I want to clear up

No problem-solving, no blaming, just listening. It takes five minutes, but it has made a huge difference in rebuilding trust and intimacy.

A Forward-Focused Relationship

What I’ve learned is that a healthy marriage isn’t about who “wins” a conversation. It’s about leaving every discussion feeling heard, valued, and safe. It’s about moving from a cycle of defensiveness and control to a partnership based on trust, clarity, and respect.

I share my story because I know I’m not alone. Many couples get stuck in patterns that feel impossible to break. But with awareness, intentional communication, and small, consistent actions, it is possible to rebuild trust and rediscover each other, even after years of reactive patterns.

The dark night isn’t a place to fear, it’s a place to grow. When you walk through it consciously, it can transform not only your relationship but also the way you connect with yourself. I am 56 years old, change is possible at any age, as long as you are willing to move forward.

If you see yourself in this story, know that change is possible. Your defensiveness isn’t a flaw, it’s a signal. And by listening to it, you can guide your relationship into a new chapter of trust, safety, and connection.

WORKSHEET: Rebuilding Trust & Communicating Without Defensiveness

✅ Self-Check (before responding)

Am I reacting from fear or from clarity?

Do I need a moment to breathe before I speak?

Is what I’m about to say aligned with the relationship I’m trying to build?

If you’re unsure, pause. Take 3 slow breaths.

✏️ Speak Your Needs

Use this sentence starter:

“When ___ happens, I feel ___. What I need is ___.”

Your turn:

When ________________________________________________

I feel ________________________________________________

What I need is _________________________________________

🔁 Rebuilding Trust (choose ONE action today)

☐ Tell the truth kindly

☐ Keep one small promise

☐ Share one appreciation (something your partner did well)

Today’s action: ________________________________________

🧘 Responding When He Is Intense

Choose one phrase:

“I want to hear you. Can we slow down?”

“I need a moment. I’ll come back in five minutes.”

Phrase I will use: ______________________________________

🌑 Dark Night of the Soul Reflection

“What is this moment trying to grow in me?”

Write your answer:

Let’s get to the root of it all, together – kim@hummingbirdhaven.org– Transitional Life Coaching